I love this kid with ferocity. He is a better friend than anyone could ask for. I wish I could delve in deeper with him but he doesn't like that. He gets uncomfortable because he doesn't like to open up. He likes to be happy and he doesn't want people knowing his inadequacies. But I tell him, that I want to know because I'm interested but I also want to know you better. I want to be that person who you can come to. Whenever.

He says he doesn't like compliments because he feels he doesn't deserve them. To me, that is not true. Everybody deserves a compliment.

I think the big reason why I am so attached to him and want to know and delve more into his life is because he is the only person so far who has actually shown an interest in me. Wanted to do something more and not be uncomfortable my inadequacies. It is a tremendous feeling knowing that you have someone who doesn't care how you look or what you have but just wants to be with you and be friends. I have to stop thinking that he wants more. Because he doesn't. He doesn't like me that I way I liked him. And I'm all right with that. I have to realize it and accept it. If we fool around, then we fool around. There is no underlying agenda. It's just fun. It's happy.

He's amazingly complex. He has so many things about him that throw me in a different direction. I think I just have to be happy with what we have now.

You know, it's the little things in life that make people happy. Remembering the little things. Knowing what you said or anything like that. He doesn't think about the little things. I think the little things are the biggest. They mean something. When I helped him one day, he sent me a message saying, It meant the world to me. He didn't remember. I've given jampacks for Garageband. I do it maybe because I want some appreciation. Or I want to be remembered. I want him to like me more. I want to go out with him. I want to be in a relationship with him. But I have to get that out of my head. It will never happen. I wish it would but it won't. He doesn't feel that way and he probably never will. Just because I bring him doesn't his mind is going to change. I am stuck in a movie world where even the slightest thing or the smallest makes them see you in a different light. But in this world, it doesn't work that way. People don't give people chances. They don't look at the larger details. They go based upon I like or I don't. No middle ground. No gray area. He said he likes the middle ground where he is at right now. I wonder if he reads these. I doubt it.

One thing that has gotten me through a lot is music. Bob Marley. Listening to Don't worry, Be happy. Three Little Birds. No Woman, No Cry. They all say don't worry. Live life to the fullest and just be happy with what you have. Take the small things and keep them close. If they don't matter to someone else, you can still keep them and hold on to them. Remembering small things may not mean something to someone else but they mean something to me. Remembering what he said and how he felt. Being there for him when he needs help. Why does it hurt me when he says I don't want to open up. I don't want to yet. He trusts me and I know he does. Why must I be that person who needs to be on the top? The number one person? The person that they go to all the time? Why do I have to be the person of importance? Does it matter that much to me? I am a sensitive person. I take things to heart because I have been hurt so much in my life. I have lost. Telling me he wants me to go because he wants to be alone when an hour before he was happy and flirtatious...what do you make of that? He sends you a message saying i don't want you to get mad but I just need to be alone. Why? What did I do? Maybe I did nothing? Maybe I did everything?

I am proud of him. He is changing. He making things better for himself and I couldn't be happier for him. It's an amazing thing watching someone grow and see what's wrong and changing it. I realize now that if he does need me, he will ask. Cause he knows that I will always be there for him. Every step of the way. If he wants.

A Friend For Life is Better Than Any Relationship.