I started thinking about her again. I wanted to see if her aim was on. But I am still blocked or deleted. I don't know. It's saddening to know that two people who were so close can be destroyed so easily. Maybe we weren't as close as I thought. She spends 6 days at my house because she was apparently having problems at home and I took her in. I let her sleep in my bed. I let her eat my food, drink my drinks, use my shower, I brought her friends to my house, I drove her everywhere. I drove her to work in the morning and picked her up. I go pick up HER fucking girlfriend at her house in No. Providence, RI and I bring her back to my house and I allow them to have a good time. Those 6 days we spent together was probably the best 6 days of my life. We got drunk together a couple of times and we sat under the stars watching a meteor shower talking about the future and how we will be best friends for life. We say this while we give each other a high five and hold hands and point out the flying stars...Where did that all go?

Was that all a lie? Was I a true friend to her while she was only using me? The only thanks I ever received was from an email. Never a face to face. Never even a hug. Nothing. How could me trying to help her become some contorted misguided notion that I wanted to control her life? I wrote a letter, I told her my true feelings toward her, and I told her I fell in love with her. I told her the truth, I told her the truth, and I did it to HELP her. I did it for her. I did it for her girlfriend. I did it to show what kind of mother her girlfriend's mother was being to her daughter. The one person I know best in the world, who I told that I love her and that I wanted to be with her more than anything, writes this letter so that her girlfriend and her could be happy. Could enjoy the time they have together. But no. I get accused of being controlling. I hate people. Why can't you just think about what I did for you? What times we had together and think for three seconds about how I felt and you actually think I wanted to control you! I knew you better than anyone else and I know how you feel about control and authority and you think of me as that fucking stupid?! That unintelligible?!

All of that was for nothing. All of that is negligible now. I think I was being used. I think that I was just there as a pawn. Someone who would do anything to try and keep the friendship we had and she had me in the palm of her hand. But no more. I am done. I thought she wouldn't lie to me. I thought she was a...true friend. Someone who would always be there for me no matter what the problem and on the biggest week of my life when I needed someone the most, she disappears. Fuck her. That is not a friend. People have been telling me to move on and I have been trying but I so desperately want to give her the benefit of the doubt. My mom says she is confused and this goes further than me. I hope it does. I hope one day I get a call saying I'm sorry. It's going to take a lot more than that but it's a start. But I wish that call would be soon but I doubt it will be. I think this is going to take a long time and I really wish I didn't have to wait.